This past weekend, Ellen and I attended a wedding in New York. It was a wonderful simcha and featured many popular twists on traditional elements, including the Hatan�s tish, the groom�s table, in which the groom tries to give a d�var Torah only to be interrupted at every turn by those sitting around the table who used any words mentioned by the groom as the pretext to sing songs of celebration. I�m not sure but I think the text for his d�var torah was the phrase from this week�s parasha, Mah Tovu Ohalecha Ya�akov: "How goodly are your tents O Jacob, your dwelling places O Israel". But he didn�t stand a chance.

I don�t want to take anything away from the couple, the rabbis involved or the choices they made because they are personal and traditionally legitimate, but I was caught off guard a bit. This was the first Conservative wedding I have attended or participated in for quite a while which did not feature an exchange of rings before the reading of the ketubah.

In the traditional wedding ceremony, the groom gives the bride a ring and says the words Haray At Mikudeshet Lee: "Behold you are consecrated unto me as my wife". Traditionally, the bride did not give the groom a ring or declare that he is consecrated to her because the Torah saw marriage as being initiated by a choice made by the man.

In addition, the essence of the word consecration, kiddushin, refers to an exclusive relationship. Since polygamy was accepted under Jewish law until the year 1000, it would not have been appropriate before that time for the bride to say to the groom Haray Atah Mikudash li, "You are consecrated to me", because he could in fact marry another woman and kiddushin implies exclusivity. So, she was mikudeshet to him, he was not mikudash to her.

Many Conservative Rabbis today choose to recognize that times have changed in significant ways and that mutual exclusivity and mutuality in marriage needs to be reflected in the reality of the rituals. This is done through an exchange of rings as part of the ketubah ceremony. Many Conservative Rabbis, myself included, instruct the bride to say to the groom Haray Atah Mikudash Li, "You are consecrated to me", recognizing the mutual exclusivity involved in Jewish marriage for the past 1,000 years. I do not intend at all to imply that those who choose not to exchange rings don�t accept mutual exclusivity; but some choose to retain the traditional form even though it is understood that each has the same responsibility for such exclusivity, as the Rabbi explained several times under the huppah.

I didn�t let my own problems with the ritual damper the celebration - it was great to dance and celebrate at the huppah. But, after the wedding was over, I gave a lot of thought to what had taken place.

I also gave a lot of thought to the fact that this wedding took place in New York State, given the recent decision of the New York State Senate to legalize same-sex marriage. As I thought about the celebration and as I overheard people talking throughout the time we were in New York about the legal decision, it occurred to me once again how, similarly to what has happened in Jewish tradition over the centuries, changes in the understanding of sexual relationships have brought us to a new place in this country. It also made me appreciate the fact that such changes can�t be only conceptual, they have to be grounded in ritual and legal proceedings.

For many of us, our views on the entire issue of same sex relationships have �evolved�, to use a current term. I was not where I am today with this issue when I was ordained as a rabbi 29 years ago. When I heard that a rabbinic colleague had joyfully announced the birth of a baby to herself and to her partner, I was confused and, to be honest, dumbfounded. And I wasn�t where I am today 17 years ago when we first started to discuss this issue publicly at Beth Israel. While at that time, I was 100% in favor of inclusion at all levels of congregational life for all Jews regardless of sexual orientation, I was still struggling with the idea of commitment ceremonies and formally sanctifying the relationship between two individuals of the same gender. The Rabbinical Assembly offered me cover, as Conservative rabbis were prohibited from performing such ceremonies at the time.

But, as the years went along, it became more and more clear to me that we needed to recognize the sanctity in such monogamous relationships in the strongest possible way. I began to see that we, as rabbis, needed to say to all of the members of our community that the key issue in the sanctity of a relationship is a commitment to exclusivity and to elevating the relationship to a state of kedusha, holiness. When two individuals arrive at that point in their relationship, they deserve a place under the huppah in the presence of a rabbi and in the presence of community to celebrate that. They will then be encouraged by the celebrating community to continue to build their home together in the way of our tradition, as a place of exclusivity and complete dedication, of ahava v�achva, shalom v�reut: love and harmony, peace and companionship.

So, when the Rabbinical Assembly changed its policy a few years back to allow Rabbis to perform such ceremonies at the same time as the Jewish Theological Seminary opened the doors of its Rabbinical School to all regardless of sexual orientation, I announced my willingness and my eagerness to officiate at commitment ceremonies; and I have no hesitation to refer to them as ceremonies of kiddushin, of marriage in Jewish tradition. While I am still waiting for my first opportunity, I am certainly ready whenever asked and I hope the opportunity will come soon.

And what I believe is true for Jewish tradition I believe should be true in our secular world, as well. I welcome and applaud the decision made by the New York legislature; and I fervently hope that other states and - most importantly - the Federal government will make the same decision very soon.

This last piece is essential because, in a country which speaks of equality, there is so much that needs to be changed. This past Sunday in The New York Times - the same edition of the newspaper which featured a lengthy article on why monogamy is not ideal, an idea which offended me as a Jew - an editorial commented on the inequities of same-sex couples in our supposedly accepting society. Among other points which were raised, the editorial said that same-sex couples, even those who have been recognized as married in their own state, cannot receive Social Security benefits at the death of a spouse and cannot file joint Federal income tax returns. It pointed out that those who work for the Federal government cannot extend their health insurance policies to their spouses or, in some cases, cannot have visitation rights in hospitals. This is not fair. These situations will only be changed with a change in the law on the Federal level recognizing the equal rights of same sex couples.

I believe without question that a same-sex relationship has the potential for sanctity, as does a heterosexual relationship, and those of us that do believe this must stand up and be heard on this issue. Our society needs to embrace those who seek the stability of a home and a family recognized by law.

In a way, I empathize with those who still find themselves struggling to reach this point. I was there myself. But now that the issues have been placed so squarely on the table as part of legislative efforts, and now that every potential candidate for political office is being asked about this issue, I believe that we can�t continue to hesitate. All of us who believe in the potential sanctity of monogamous, committed same-sex relationships need to stand loudly and clearly for same-sex marriages on the State and Federal levels. It will take time, for sure. But the time, I believe, has long since come.

Mah Tovu Ohalecha Ya�akov : "How goodly are your tents O Jacob". According to the midrash, Balaam said these words when he looked at the people of Israel setting up their tents in such a way as to highlight the exclusive and intimate relationship between husband and wife. We�ve come a long way since the time of the Torah. Our ideas concerning marriage and sexual relationships have evolved, but the foundation is still the same: we recognize and celebrate the good, holy, loving qualities of complete dedication and equality, which are the foundation of the most important and most beautiful of the relationships we enter into as human beings. That�s what we were celebrating last weekend at the huppah, and that�s what many other New Yorkers are going to be celebrating in the near future thanks to this legislation.

May this opportunity come soon for all in this country.

Robert Dobrusin, Rabbi
Copyright © 2011, Robert Dobrusin.
Permission is granted for distribution of this message providing that it is distributed in its entirety and with full attribution, including this copyright statement.

This message was originally posted on July 18, 2011.

Please send comments or suggestions to Rabbi Robert Dobrusin.